Ponder...

We went for a movie last night. I was fine, infront of him. I still remember, when I got back to my room, I threw my bag on my bed and I collapsed. I cried. I cried of nothing! I feel so anger and ashame with the word of 'crying'!! I hate myself! My emotion is always instability and uncertain! I recovered after a while!
Sometimes I'll feel like wanna get the last chance but after that I'll feel so fortunate that I did not. I feel so helpless yesterday. I wanna get my friend's help. I wanna ask them should I fight for it?
I phoned Meng Horng at de mid night. 'What do U expect more?', he asked me. I really didn't know what to asnwer him that moment.. Yea, what do I expect more? I'm no one. Maybe de position now is better than everything. Even if that day really come, I'll feel more suffering if he remains his attitude. I'm just his friend now, I'm nobody. I can ask nothing. I don't wanna suffer anymore. That's enough by now.. But I'm really confuse!! What am I supposse to do? So funny.. So said that wanna let it be.. But now?
I think I have to ponder deeply over it...