Saturday, December 03, 2005


My roommate was consulting me yesterday, midnight. (Guess what, I did not even drop my tears!) She was telling me that what I've been doing in this 5 months. The 5 months that I'm staying down de same roof with her. I was so shocked that I really didn't realize what I've done in these 5 months time. I never learn how to love myself or even treat myself nicely in these 5 months period. I never really put an effort on what I wanted to do. I did always saying that I have to put extra effort to do this, to do that but I didn't really make it cause I never put any single little effort!
She counted to me what I've done.
First, I had bulimia. I vomitted out everything that I had eaten (last time); I can don't feel like eating for the whole day but at times I'll eat a lot. It was damn lot; Third, always facing de stupid pc and do nothing or listening to those sad songs that also make her recall her sadness. Then, sleep darn lately every night or darn early occasionally.
What I did weren't a 18 years old girl should does. I took her words seriously. I feel so lamentable. I really never learn how to love myself, to appreciate myself. I can't think what else I've done beside that.

She told me about the three Past, Present and Future faries' story. She wants me to think about that properly. No one can really help me. They just can advice me, keep me up when I'm gonna fall. Only me myself have to find out the way to solve the problems. She was so right. I have to ponder about what I did in the past; who am I right now or what I've become right now; and what's de consequence will I bring to myself if I keep going decadent.

Frankly, I'm still afraid. I don't care whether I'm avoid or what else. No matter what method I'm using, I just don't wanna let myself go into the valley. I don't wanna let myself to get influenced by anything that will make my tears drop. Even it's able, I still endure it. When it nearly comes in, I'm so scared. I know I'm avoiding but this is my only way. It's just temporary and it'll be alright.

These 3 days are my trial for being alone. My roommate and those people are on their way back to their hometown. I have to full use the days. I can't let myself being that emotional cause I'm afraid that time I wouldn't be able to come back anymore. Avoiding or constraning myself from that.. Just whatever!

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