I hate that!!

I hate myself like that! So degrading!! I was on my bed just now.. I don't know how to express my feeling now!! I hate myself dropping tears!! Just promised that I dont wanna drop a single tear bcz of him but now??? I hate myself like that!! I really hate that!
Sometimes feel that many things that I wanted to do, sure I got a lot of excuses for myself to persuade me to do that!! Sometimes, will feel like wanna be friend with each other again cz I feel that it's very suffer to not to talk with each other, when I'm normal.. But after that will feel fortune that I din do anything when my emotion got problem... All were just my excuses, maybe I'm just wanna stop this embarrasing situation and wish that we're still friend... Yesterday I gave myself some excuse again! I said, "Yea, after listened to Simpson, maybe he was right, I should lay him down. Oh.. then I can keep in touch with him now is it?".. OMG! Luckily I didn't do anything cz I felt like wanna send him some msg for our ending, this problem of mine's ending... just some excuse to motivate and persuade myself only.. Really fortunate that I didn't do so.. Cz I repeated de same attitude again- being moody... sigh...
I don't wanna be initiative now.. No way.. Even one day when we become friend again, I don't wish that I'm de one who starts de conversation and then our friendship recover.. Maybe this is de only mind can stop me from what is in my mind and what I'm trying to do... Meng horng was right, de best way for both of us is don't meet up each other for a moment.. Just wait for de time to pass... yea..
I couldn't imagine what if my temper explode one day infront of him and bcz of him..I don't wanna involve in this kind of prob anymore.. I'm tired d....I just want myself to involve in it.. Even him, I don't wanna let him feel that is very annoying or feel disturbed..
I still need a bit more time.. Just give me some time...