Meng Horng online late at de night yesterday. I'd chat with him untill de sun's gonna rise.. It was about 5 something in de morning. That's why I feel damn tired today..
At first he asked me how is my life here. Ofcourse I answered him with a very good answer. But I don't know why. The more we chat the more I exposed myself...
I don't really remember what we've talked about yesterday. I just know that he had spoken my mind. He can speak people's mind very well. He told me that what I've been avoiding and wouldn't like to face to. Those I always kept in my heart has been spoken out.. Chean used to know me well but he's too confidence at himself that he can undestand my mind. I don't like that. He speaks my mind well but not a good advicer..
I always think about the bad and unnecessary's stuff. I don't wanna face de fact. I'm avoiding.. I'm afraid to face the feeling of regrets.. It's very suffer.. very very suffer...
I told him something. That was de 1st time I dare to speak it out..
It was about Gee. He is my only regrets.. Regret on didn't appreciate? Yes.. But I didn't regret on what I've choosed. I have to finish de path that I'd chosen..
I don't wanna think de stuffs between him and me. Even de stuffs that related with him. I not dare to think about it cause I don't wanna face the feeling of regrets.. I hate that feel!
Meng Horng wants me to face all de problem. Shout it out.. cry it out.. I know.. I know many of my mind. Just because I don't wanna face it! I know some of them are trying to safe me from de dark. But, when U try to safe someone that wouldn't like to come out from de dark.. That's useless.. I don't wanna come out yet.. Don't wanna..
Last time I used to be a very happy girl.. Even if there was something irritated me I'll forgot about it very soon if my friends talk with me or I do other stuffs. Cause my main status was HAPPY.. But now? I'm a moody person! The sadness can see through my eyes even when I laugh.. But it's better when I back to Butterworth cause I met my friends... At least I forgot my sad memories.. This is because my status changed to moOdy..
But.. If you let me choose once again. I'll choose the same distance..
I couldn't control last night.. I cried out involuntarily... Meng Horng never stop ordering me to face my problems bravely.. I really can't do that by now! "Please don't force me," I told him that...
I'm a freak! I wanna cry.. So I used to think about de past but not de past with G.. Cause..certain reason..which I've mentioned..
Only accept de new things can make me more happier.. But I'm not ready yet..
It doesn't mean that I don't have friends here.. I smile with them when they did so to me. I greet them while met them.. I don't know how to express.. But.. My friends are irreplaceable...
Fortunately, I learnt something here... And I learn how to express my feeling to my mum, my brother. I never done this before.. We don't have a good communication.. But since I came here.. I learnt it..
"I feel that I was like experienced in many vicissitudes of life..", I told Tammy bout this.. She denied it..
I thought I will be fine after come to Malacca. I realized that I was wrong cause I haven't open my mind, my heart yet.. I never release... I realized that I never release it. I thought I can let go easily.. I was wrong.. If I really released I won't did so many things.. Only you'll do something for someone when you still care about him..
I wanna strengthen myself because of him..I don't wanna cry and as de lyrics mentioned, I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in his eyes..
If I don't care anymore, I wont text such a sentence in my hp's screen saver-- YeeBoon, I believe I'll staunch!
And I'm good in giving excuses.. I know but I never say.. Meng Horng spoke it out once again.. I didn't deny but I agreed what he said.. I always give myself excuse on what I wanted to do or don't.. Always.. I'm giving excuse to run away from facts..
By now.. I'm still avoiding.. I don't want sunlight. I've adapted de dark place... Don't ask me to come to de sunlight now.. I need time..
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